Timing

“I want to save part of my life for myself. There's a catch to it though, it's gotta be part of the young part. You know, retire young, work old, come back and work when I know what I'm working for, does that make any sense?”

In the 1938 film Holiday, Johnny Case (Cary Grant) reveals his life plan to Linda (Katherine Hepburn) before he comes to understand that Linda, not her sister, is the one he wants to pursue this plan with.

This new song and blog post are a kind of companion to my last one (“Success” and I Wanna Be Great At Something). I have wondered how my life would have turned out had I admitted to myself that what really made me the most excited, the thing that was truly thrilling, was playing music.

It's all in one’s head, isn’t it? Still, to this day, I feel trapped inside myself, struggling to just go for it. Actually, knowing what it is is a challenge in itself, at least for me. I have a chronic feeling that I am denying myself what I dream of. I wonder if I’m the only one who struggles with this.

Circumstances can be why one doesn’t pursue their dreams, like George Bailey’s need to stay and save the bank in It’s a Wonderful Life. In other cases, maybe it’s your own self, standing in your own way. As when you = ME. And maybe the tragedy is that you can’t figure out how to get past yourself, into the clear, where it’s open and exciting and full of possibility.

I know this sounds like I’m dissing my choices and my life – I am not. I am lucky and privileged and have greatly enjoyed creating stuff and sharing experiences with people, and I love my family and can’t imagine their not being here, alive and funny and delightful and, you know, all the things. But I do have this nagging “what if?” that hangs with me, 24/7.

In the early days of Audible, Don (or someone in our fledging operations “department”) encouraged us all to choose a title or quote from an audiobook to have printed on the back side of our business cards. I chose this quote from Eudora Welty’s short story, Powerhouse (read here by Eudora herself) about a band that has come to town:

“When any group, any performers, come to town, don’t people always come out and hover near, leaning inward about them, to learn what it is? What is it? Listen.”

This captures for me that chills-down-your-spine, hair-standing-on-end thrill that you get when someone transcends, if only for a moment, the ordinary, the mundane, the expected, and takes you with them. I aspire to this. I’m afraid to admit it for fear that it will sound laughable. I mean, who do I think I am? But there it is.

So is it too late for me? Should I have said to heck with the respectable job and stability and all that and just gone for it? Have all y’all done that – gone for it? Are you clear about who you are, what you want, clear about your choices and trade-offs? Have you done it “right”? Am I the only one who’s too late? AM I too late? Well, I’m making music, so what am I whining about?

Discuss…..

Finally, assuming you do listen to the songs (note that it’s not too late for that), thank you, truly, for listening.